Women compete with each other at a societal level, the criteria for winning is usually set by others and the results are subjective and intangible. Women are usually judged by characteristics that they have little control over; something that they did not create, and that exist outside of themselves such as their physical appearance. Her success is based on subjective, biased, external validation by others. She can't see how to beat her rival because her rival is in no more control of the outcome than she is. How can you really be more beautiful than another woman, when the decision is nothing more than someone else's opinion of beauty?
How can you change someone's personal preference for a certain body size and shape, a particular eye color or a fondness for blondes? How many people are needed to think that you are beautiful before it is a valid or meaningful judgment? Who do you need to tell you that you are beautiful before you can believe it to be true... construction workers, truck drivers, the man walking down the street, your pastor, the Pope, your boss? Women compete with each other for male attention and compliments as if it feeds their self-worth and self-esteem. Women try to dress sexier and have shapelier bodies than other women.
Women instinctively know that men have little power when it comes to sexual intercourse in male and female relationships. Women know that if a platonic relationship exists between a male and a female, ninety percent of the time it is a platonic relationship because the woman does not want to have sex with the man instead of visa versa. Most women do not feel that men are psychologically or biologically capable of resisting another woman's sexual prowess because of their undying love, loyalty and respect for their committed relationship with them. If a man does not engage in a sexual relationship with a woman who is drop dead gorgeous, most women believe that it is because the other woman was in control of the outcome of the type of relationship. Women intuitively know that most heterosexual males find extraordinary beautiful women sexually irresistible and if that extraordinary beautiful woman wanted her man, he would be hers for the taking.
Women are so busy competing with each other for male attention that they do not have the psychological, intellectual or emotional insight to change the social climate that is causing them to suffer from low-self esteem. Women think of men as being promiscuous, unfaithful, lying, cheating dogs. But what most women need to come to grips with and understand is that research shows that a man is most likely to have a sexual affair with a woman's best friend, relative or neighbor... a woman whom she trusts, loves and respects. One of the reasons that men who cheat are so successful at it is because women allow them to because they are in competition with each other.
Women believe that they are superior to other women if they are physically more attractive. In a commercial for a diet pill a woman bragged, "I am now smaller than the woman my husband left me for." This statement leads me to believe that she felt that she deserved her husband's infidelity when she was over weight. Her motive for losing weight was to be physically smaller than the other woman that her husband left her for. She viewed the other woman as competition more so than feeling betrayed by her husband's disloyalty. The wife's motive for losing weight was not to improve the status of her health or increase her self-esteem but be smaller than her competition__ the other woman. The weight control commercial is blatantly telling women that they need to look a certain way in order to earn their husband's love and fidelity. It doesn't matter whether or not you cook his meals, raise his kids, and support his dreams... what matters most in a relationship is whether or not you are physically attractive enough to keep your man at home. There is an assumption that it is natural for a man to cheat on a woman who he feels is no longer sexually appealing. Many women believe that it is their fault when their husband or boyfriend cheats on them because they are not attractive enough to keep him faithful.
A woman's perception of self-worth is validated outside of her self from others and this affects her internal psychological concept of her own value as a human being. Women compete indirectly with other women because they have not learned how to recognize and channel their internal desires, feelings and goals into physical, tangible realities. Once women learn that they can not control or live vicariously through their children or the man in their life; they will stop hating each other and focus on their individual unique gifts, talents and assets.
Why do women hate other women?
1. Women feel that their biological prime-time is limited. She can easily be replaced by a new younger, more beautiful woman. Youth is a woman's fair-weathered friend.
2. Women feel that other women control their man's sexual fidelity.
3. Women feel that their level or degree of physical beauty is based on luck as opposed to something that she controls.
4. Women feel that other women can take something that they have worked hard to earn by using their beauty on the job, school and the legal system because men will be taken by her beauty.
5. Women feel that other women can not be trusted. They gossip too much, they are phony and they would take your man right before your eyes.
6. Women feel that other women divert attention away from them.
7. Women feel psychologically competitive with other women to be more attractive.
8. Women subconsciously believe that if they merely looked like another woman, they could inherit her life, her diamond, her man, and people would look at her with the same admiration.
The following dialogue was edited from a variety of websites discussing how women relate to each other:
Points to Ponder:
o You can never stop a man from looking at or admiring another woman's beauty. Do you really feel that another woman is more valuable as human being than you are simply because of her physical appearance?
o You are more than your physical body. What talents, gifts or skills do you have to contribute to society?
o You can not control what other people think of you. Once you truly accept the truth that you have no control over other people's thoughts about who you are or how you should live your life; you will be free to design your own life from the inside out.
o You can never compete with anyone but yourself.
o The only person who you can control is yourself...period.
o Whatever you seek in other people develop in yourself. You don't need to marry a doctor; become a doctor.
o You are the most important person in the world who must believe, acknowledge and recognize your own authentic and unique beauty. Why should anyone love and respect you more than you love and respect yourself.
Cassandra George Sturges MA, MA, Psy.D is a mother of two teenagers, a full-time psychology instructor, advice columnists for Today's Black Woman Magazine, Seminar facilitator, author of "A Woman's Soul on Paper" ISBN: 0595171435. Dr. Sturges is the author and publisher of Authentik Beauty Magazine. A 1 year subscription to Authentik Beauty Magazine is only $49.99 for 6 issues; mail request to: Authentik Beauty Magazine, P.O. Box 980679, Ypsilanti, MI 48197. Caution: Articles and clip art are sensuously and beautifully designed for a mature audience only. We accept cash, checks & all major credit cards.
